different names for the same things.

I'm making a new play list. Actually, I'm just updating a current one I have to better suit my current mood. Today was disappointing. That is the best word I can use to describe it. And it is so unfortunate, because it could have been good. It could have been great. Let me share a couple examples of things that could have happened, and what actually happened...:

I could have gotten an all-access lift ticket for $40. Instead, I got a bunny hill pass for $35, and spotted Annie the extra ten for her to get a $60 all-access lift ticket because the $40 offer was only valid through February.

I could have practiced some runs on the bunny hill by myself. I did practice some runs on the bunny hill by myself. Actually, I practiced all the bunny hill runs by myself because everyone I came with ditched me the entire day.

I could have waited to take my snowboarding boot off until I got back to the car. Instead, I took my boot off at lunch and realized that I had a pulled a muscle and the only thing making it feel better was the pressure from my boot- which made the walk back to the car painful and chilly. And I could have walked back with the group I came with and left the mountain together. Instead, I sat in a freezing car with a swollen calf alone for close to 2 hours while they went on more runs.

I could have had a really fun and exciting day. Instead, it was terrible. I was ditched, ignored, lied to, and made to feel stupid all day, over and over again.

Now I'm home. There is still snow on the ground. I am absolutely freezing. My muscles hurt because it is so cold.

I'm going to bed. I want this day to be over.

the f word.

i've done some terrible things.
things that i can't even begin to wrap my head around right now.
i am so completely overwhelmed. completely.

i can say though, with absolute certainty, that i am forever changed.
i guess mistakes aren't bad unless you never learn from them.
and my goodness, have i learned.
rather, i am learning.
and i'll know... but not soon enough.

i feel like things were so easy for me for so long, and now i've been faced with this huge test. this...
unimaginable and (frankly) unnecessary test.

ha. test.

... i don't even know.

i'm just really sad right now i guess.