different names for the same things.

I'm making a new play list. Actually, I'm just updating a current one I have to better suit my current mood. Today was disappointing. That is the best word I can use to describe it. And it is so unfortunate, because it could have been good. It could have been great. Let me share a couple examples of things that could have happened, and what actually happened...:

I could have gotten an all-access lift ticket for $40. Instead, I got a bunny hill pass for $35, and spotted Annie the extra ten for her to get a $60 all-access lift ticket because the $40 offer was only valid through February.

I could have practiced some runs on the bunny hill by myself. I did practice some runs on the bunny hill by myself. Actually, I practiced all the bunny hill runs by myself because everyone I came with ditched me the entire day.

I could have waited to take my snowboarding boot off until I got back to the car. Instead, I took my boot off at lunch and realized that I had a pulled a muscle and the only thing making it feel better was the pressure from my boot- which made the walk back to the car painful and chilly. And I could have walked back with the group I came with and left the mountain together. Instead, I sat in a freezing car with a swollen calf alone for close to 2 hours while they went on more runs.

I could have had a really fun and exciting day. Instead, it was terrible. I was ditched, ignored, lied to, and made to feel stupid all day, over and over again.

Now I'm home. There is still snow on the ground. I am absolutely freezing. My muscles hurt because it is so cold.

I'm going to bed. I want this day to be over.

the f word.

i've done some terrible things.
things that i can't even begin to wrap my head around right now.
i am so completely overwhelmed. completely.

i can say though, with absolute certainty, that i am forever changed.
i guess mistakes aren't bad unless you never learn from them.
and my goodness, have i learned.
rather, i am learning.
and i'll know... but not soon enough.

i feel like things were so easy for me for so long, and now i've been faced with this huge test. this...
unimaginable and (frankly) unnecessary test.

ha. test.

... i don't even know.

i'm just really sad right now i guess.

we pull ourselves apart.

i've been thinking about
... all kinds of things.

and this isn't helping.

nutshells.

some things are going so good. some things are going so bad. everything could be better. everything could be worse.

so i'm just going to see what happens.

my life is perfect, even when it isn't.


also, i feel like i've lost my ability to be articulate. help.

and i said i know it well. i know it well...

this is the secret you don't know:

with all your lies,
you're still very lovable.

cut the ropes, and let me fall.

silence
broke you
into 52 pieces
while
i watched
i saw you
you
you were en route to buy wine
you
you were leaving
somewhere
already
and i
i think i liked that
and
i think you knew
you
you knew i would rip open the air
and
make a space
large enough
large enough
for two
so
you could go through
because
i am always going through anyway
like
changing my destiny every hour
time travel
easy
is the same thing
same thing
as if i delivered pizzas
no bike
and
those portals are my version of the subway
which i dislike
my version of public transportation
is sitting still
and waiting for new clicks
on the wheel
of time
and
also
i saw you smile
and
i thought i could catch that in a jar
like you were a lightning bug
and
you knew i had holes poked in the top
from a flat head
pressure drop
me with my can full of holes
for a head
and
the glass was as deep
with me
and
the glass was as thin
as the idea
of
a fluttering of wings
easily shattering
offering
some release
as thin
as the idea of where
where my bedroom door closed
and
where my bed began
and this
this
this is our story
for now